Argh! My rational mind recognizes that V-Day is just another holiday manufactured to feed parasitically on a nation of consumeristic zombies. But my emotional mind inevitably attacks my rational mind, pounds it to the consistency of a thick porridge, and the next thing I know I’m heaving sighs and craving chalky hearts. (Not really. I hate those.) Over the past week it seems everywhere I turn I encounter yet another fool schlepping a bunch of amputated, pesticides-laden flowers to their lucky love. Even my favorite trusty ol’ non-commercial radio shows paid heavy tribute to the holiday. And then it should be acknowledged that this big bowl of mush gets by with a little help from her friends (and her Grammie and Grandpa)– Valentines via USPS, and I am Silly Putty in your hands!
So as I was admiring these suggestions for unorthodox valentines and movies about love, I compulsively set about compiling my own list. Pedestrian Saga Presents…
1. Annie Hall. Ah, yes. The movie I first fell in love with with. (Ha-ha! Parse that sentence, suckas!) Perhaps should’ve heeded that bittersweet ending though.
2. Sid and Nancy. This movie showed me it was definitely possible to experience almost simultaneously both extreme flights of romanticism and intense impulses to destroy passers-by (and that pretty much sums up my worldview at 16, the age at which I discovered it). By far the best work Gary Oldman’s ever done. (OMG, but I just read that Daniel Day-Lewis wanted to play Sid! [ Panting ] And that only reminds me I still haven’t gotten around to watching The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Hmm… TULOB + My Beautiful Laundrette + Hawkeye-running-through-the-woods sequences in The Last of the Mohicans a spectacular D-D Day do make… ♪Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy, I love you so…♪)
3. Der Himmel über Berlin (Wings of Desire). Soft, trance-inducing murmurs in German, luscious color and lack of color, a handsome, jaded angel stalking a beautiful, jaded trapeze artist, and Peter Falk as himself– It’s enough to make a girl want to run away with the circus… and to weave a passionate, solitary dance in the middle of a Berlin club as Nick Cave bellows darkly from the stage, “From her to eternity!” (”One more song and it’s over. And I’m not gonna tell you about a girl. I’m not gonna tell you about a girl…”) And don’t tell me to see any second-rate Hollywood knockoff starring that dopey Nicholas Cage or I’ll call you a wanker and kick you in the shins. (See recommendation #2.)
4. Heaven. Tom Tykwer does Krzysztof Kieslowski (RIP), and I’m in heaven! Soft, trance-inducing murmurs in Italian (”Quanto alto posso volare?”) and Giovanni Ribisi’s impossibly intense puppy eyes– It’s enough to make a girl want to commit desperate acts of violence stemming from ambiguous moral reasoning so that he will adore me like he loves Cate Blanchett. (And you can stick that in my FBI file!)
5. Le fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain, and after you’ve watched that for the bazillionth time, listened to the director’s commentary and flipped through the damn photo gallery for cryin’ out loud, and your swollen heart is ready to pop its cage, then check out Dirty Pretty Things. Won’t need to expend too much effort luring the Audrey Tautou devotees– Simply dangle the movie poster above their heads and watch as they slobber and grope. Just don’t tell them that the true linchpin of the romance here is Chiwetel Ejiofor’s Okwe. (File under Eyes, intense.) Oh, and don’t worry: This flick will know how to take right good care of that heart of yours, the slippery sucker.
6. Manneken Pis. “If you liked Amélie…” Eek! Someone please tell me how to lay my grubby hands on a copy of this Belgian flick! It charmed my socks off when I saw it in 1997 as Le scarpe d’oro at the Lumière in Bologna, and I’ve been longing to get reacquainted with it ever since.
7. To keep you from wondering if I’ve seen anything released in the past year, I’ll note that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind totally blindsided me when I saw it at the cinema last spring. Who knew a film written by Charlie Kaufman and starring Jim Carrey would be so damn moving? 2 out of 2 chicks recovering from painful estrangement agree: This movie is guaranteed to make you bawl like crazy! (That’s me and toshki, and if you disagree, we’ll call you a wanker and kick you in the shins. Once we’ve dried our eyes.) Think instead I’ll go rent…
8. Italiensk for begyndere (Italian For Beginners). If the films of Lars von Trier are like an abusive lover who pummels you into submission and then unconvincingly begs your forgiveness, babe, then Dogme #12 by Lone Scherfig is like a sensitive paramour who tenderly sweeps you off your feet and whisks you away to Venice for an unforgettable weekend of passion.
9. Okay. So it’s hard to set aside 12 straight hours to plunge amorously into The Lord of the Rings. Suppose one could use the handy-dandy chapters menu to skip right to the juicier moments of the trilogy, but I know I’d just get sucked in and end up watching the whole thing anyway, so… alternatively I propose this whimsical little picture from the Peter Jackson oeuvre: Braindead aka Dead Alive (or as it’s known in Italy, Splatters: gli schizzacervelli). Trust me. It’s a great romantic comedy. Be sure to treat yourself right and see the uncut version.
10. Please, instead of slogging through anything that features Julia Roberts in a wedding dress, just go watch the climax of The Graduate.
You need to write about movies more often! It’s good to have you back!